Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I just got a call from the hospital telling me that I'm scheduled to have an MRI on my shoulder Monday. I'm not really sure how that led to me wanting to write a blog. I've had this pain in my shoulder for going on two years now, and I'm glad I finally will be able to figure out what's wrong with it and hopefully fix it.

I think I just figured it out, reading this. My future is screaming at me as I sit here in the present waiting for things to change, and soon I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it. I hope so.

This summer has been a little bit of a whirlwind. I'm not even sure where it went. Usually, summers are my favorite time of the year. I get a break from life. Maybe I'm just running on fumes. Last summer I went through loss and forgiveness and a struggle to let go of the things I couldn't control. This summer I've just been fighting to keep my head above water. Things aren't unbearable anymore. My life is just moving by so quickly nowadays. Classes are grueling and tedious and nerve-racking. Work is a pain because of how circumstances have drastically changed. Church seems distant, not because I'm not there, but because it doesn't feel restful anymore. It feels like a struggle.

These struggles aren't hard, they're just tiring. I'm not close to many people anymore. Friendships this past year have just seemed to fade in and fade out like the fragrance in a car when the window is let down. I know God is with me, and that is what I have held on to. And He has been reminding me of His promises right when He knows that I need to remember them the most. He has become someone indispensable to me now, someone I know I can't exist without.

I just really, really wish I knew what He was doing. I wish I knew what the future holds. Next year I will have my bachelor's degree and I won't be working as a STEP at FLETC anymore, and I don't know what that will bring for me. I don't know what I'll fill my time up with instead. Will I still be alone? Will I still be in Brunswick? Will I still be at the same church?

Or will I just still be this clueless girl waiting for her life to change? Now there's a scary thought. The other night, I didn't feel like talking to God. I didn't feel like praying to Him or singing or praising Him or talking about my problems, so I didn't. I just laid down in my bed and tried to hide all of that away. And I was lying there, I felt God wrap His arms around me and tell me that that was alright. It was alright that I didn't want to praise Him. He just didn't want me to shut Him out of my world. He didn't want me to push Him away.

It's moments like those where everything comes into focus, and I don't feel so completely forsaken. I love Him. That's the only thing I know, and the only thing I really need to know.

Isaiah 50

"Thus saith the LORD, Where [is] the bill of your mother's divorcement, whom I have put away? or which of my creditors [is it] to whom I have sold you? Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.

Wherefore, when I came, [was there] no man? when I called, [was there] none to answer? Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver? behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because [there is] no water, and dieth for thirst.

I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering.

The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to [him that is] weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.

The Lord GOD hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back.

I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.

For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

[He is] near that justifieth me; who will contend with me? let us stand together: who [is] mine adversary? let him come near to me.

Behold, the Lord GOD will help me; who [is] he [that] shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as a garment; the moth shall eat them up.

Who [is] among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh [in] darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.

Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass [yourselves] about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks [that] ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow."

My God is a big, mighty, great God. He is faithful and with me always. And I know He has good in store for me. I will wait for Him alone, like the watchmen wait for dawn.

"...and thou shalt know that I [am] the LORD: for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me." – Isaiah 49:23

"These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth; I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name." - Revelation 3:7-8

It's 11:00PM on a Friday night. My body is tired, but my mind is spinning like crazy. Nothing particularly remarkable has happened lately...I mean nothing physical. God has been doing something in me, though.

I've heard the opinion "Live everyday like it's your last" since I was a little girl. I've always agreed with it, but never lived like it. Up until now I've lived my life half-expecting time to just slow down for me somehow. I can't do it anymore. I can't live my life hoping for something else to happen, for something else grandiose and wonderful to come along and change everything. It doesn't work that way.

I heard something interesting from Joyce Myers the other day. Basically, she said that people will never be content with their lives until they learn to accept the fact that there are some things they will never be able to change. God has to change things for them, and He does it in His timing. We just have to believe that He will do them...when it's right. We can't worry about them, we can't control them and manipulate them. Everybody gets dealt a hand in life. Some people get a raw deal. For some reason, I've been given a lot of grace in my life and never had anything traumatic happen to me. Maybe it's because I'm not as strong as other people...I wouldn't be able to handle it as well. I don't know.

But I can't keep living each day like I've got plenty of time to change. I don't want to keep living the way I have been...it's miserable, always wondering if I'm missing something or not doing enough. I know now that as long as I praise God - make it a point to talk to Him, worship Him, love Him the way I was created to do...everything else will fall into place.

I've felt very convicted about my eating habits. Food has become an addiction to me, and I can say that now with honesty because I know the number of times I've tried to go on a diet and failed. How is giving into temptation by eating unhealthy food constantly, in the process hurting your temple - how is that any different than taking drugs and hurting yourself? It's not.

It's amazing the kind of clarity that gives me now, though. When I look at something I want to eat really bad now, it's like...something in my mind recognizes it as something I'm either going to give the power to control me or not. I want to know that He who is in me is stronger than the hungers of my flesh, no matter what it is I may be hungry for.

School is really hard right now. I'm getting into the meat of Criminal Justice, and there are so many complicating factors to our judicial system and rules of evidence. Everything has stipulations. You have to think about EVERYTHING before you do it when you work in law enforcement or as a lawyer. You have to scrutinize every action and remind yourself of rights and rules and...just so much stuff. And the kinds of things people do to each other is unbelievable. I have to work through this, though.

As far as men go, Nena is officially on hiatus. I'm just tired of trying. I'm tired of getting hurt, I'm tired of hurting others, and I'm tired of trying to work through every emotion and meaning behind it. God is everything I need...I believe that now. Maybe He has plans for me that require me to marry later in life. Whatever it is, I don't care. I just know that I love Him, and I need Him, and that when love does come around for me...it'll be because God wanted it to be there, and not because I tried to make it be there. I'm not interested in dating anymore. I'm interested in letting God blow my mind when the right person comes along, and waiting until that happens.

Among the things I feel like should count in the "Live like you were dying" department (I've had a ridiculous number of confirmations on that, by the way), making it a point to be alone with God everyday and trying to practice the keyboard as often as I can are included. Keyboard is hard right now with taking an upper-level criminal justice course in the summer (half the time, so twice the work every week), but I'm working on it.

That’s life right now in a nutshell. In the midst of it all, I’m connecting with God on some deeper level. Some place where, when I’m alone with His presence, unspeakable joy enters into me and reminds me of the meaning of my life. A joy I’ve never been able to find in anything or anyone else. When I can just sit and sing to my Savior and understand that He’s devastatingly in love with me as He listens…that I can have that type of effect on Him - He who is beauty and strength and purity and love itself - it stops my world for a while, and I can forget. I can forget about all of my obligations and all of the bars I set on myself, and I try and memorize the way I feel in that moment so I won’t ever forget what real love and freedom feel like.

I really hope this spiritual season lasts for a long time. I can’t get enough of Him.

Haven't had the time to update this thing lately. I had my gallbladder taken out last Friday...I'm good. Everything is healing great and I'm up and moving around :).

I was moved to the Logistics department at work, and it's been a little bit of a challenge for me. I work with a bunch of guys for 8 hours everyday. They are jokesters...and it's a fun work environment, and laid back. But sometimes it's hard for me to stay patient with them and let my light shine. They are funny, but most of the time, I get stuck in awkward situations where I'm forced to decide whether or not I'm going to compromise on my beliefs. I don't want to seem haughty and holier-than-thou, but I also can't help the check in my spirit sometimes.

I keep thinking about Hadassah in the Mark of the Lion series...how sweet and generous she was. She was kind and patient and generous, and meek and humble and quiet...but she spoke when she needed to. But it was her actions that spoke to people, mainly. And I look at her life and how she affected people just by having faith and being like Jesus...not laughing at cruel jokes or poking fun, not being mean and selfish, and I look at my own life and wonder what happened to who I used to be. Alright, I know that Hadassah is a fictional character, but there ARE people like that out there. They are few and far between, but I have met a couple.

To know God is to not settle for compromise. To know Him is to become like Him...like Jesus. I miss being able to see the art in me...being able to comprehend that change is happening, that I'm becoming better. I want to be a light that shines brilliantly...I want these guys here to think of me as a good person, a girl of purity, and Christian, one who is faithful to her convictions and who is loving and generous...and I wonder how they think of me now. Not just them, but people in general. We're about to have to go to work, so I guess I'll finish this later.

A few scriptures that stood out to me this morning:


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. - Proverbs 31:10-12


Strength and honour [are] her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue [is] the law of kindness.She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband [also], and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour [is] deceitful, and beauty [is] vain: [but] a woman [that] feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. -Proverbs 31:25-31

For in much wisdom [is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. – Ecc. 1:18

[There is] nothing better for a man, [than] that he should eat and drink, and [that] he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it [was] from the hand of God. – Ecc. 2:24


He hath made every [thing] beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. – Ecc. 3:11

Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm [alone]? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecc. 4:9-12

When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for [he hath] no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. – Ecc. 5:4



It's easy to make a promise to God while you're hurting. But then, when you're healed from something and you feel alright again, the waiting part of that promise you made...not so easy.

I'm not sure how all of those scripture tie in together. I want to be a virtuous woman...someone who's husband trusts. I also want to learn to relax and be happy with the things that I have. The scripture about God setting the world in our hearts, so that we would have no understanding of it...that is some deep stuff. How can we as humans possibly understand our own hearts? yet the world is hidden inside of us.

Also, two is better than one. I've always been one. I've never been married, so I don't know what it's like to give myself away completely to someone. I came close, and it might as well have been a marriage for all of the emotional investment I put into it. But what it comes down to is the strength that comes from having someone by your side. I know I don't need someone, though. God is enough for me. And He's given me an awesome church family that supports me, and some of the best friends I could ever ask for. I'm a blessed girl :).

Anyway...Easter is this weekend. I'm looking forward to my family meeting Mitch. I'm a little nervous for him, though. We are a big family with big personalities. I'm sure they'll love him, though. I mean...who doesn't love a ukelele-player? I hope he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

I've been sick twice in the past two weeks, as well as a few gallbladder attacks. I had an ultrasound done that showed I had gallstones, so I'm scheduled to have it taken out on April 23rd.

Life is a little bumpy right now, but nothing I can't handle with God steadying me. I had a vision a few days ago of a moment in my life when I got slammed. When I felt like I had been hit the hardest, in a way that left me dazed and breathless. the vision wasn't of the bad stuff, though. I just felt like God was behind be with his hands around my waist, holding me in place. Holding me up when I didn't have the strength to stand up on my own anymore.

He is such a good God. He holds me together. :)

Took this on my way home from work a couple of days ago. Thought I'd share what a pretty sky it was. :)

I feel like, in the past two weeks, my entire life has turned around. I mean, nothing new on the outside has happened. I just feel like my entire paradigm has changed. I hardly remember the past year...I just remember that I tried to take things one day at a time. I remember struggling constantly. I think I kind of walked through it like a zombie...the only parts I remember clearly are when I was alone with God, when He spoke to me, or touched me, and soothed away the hurt as He sang over me the words He knew I needed to hear. Other than that, everything is kind of foggy.

So, it's like breathing fresh air for the first time now. I don't know what happened...I think God healed a lot in me recently in places I didn't know how to reach in myself. I've finally gotten to the point now where I believe that God is all that I'll ever need.

I realized recently that I've been struggling with believing that God has good in store for me. I've struggled with believing that He loves me, that He's faithful, that He's...God. All of those good and beautiful things He is.

But I can't live by what I feel. I have to live by what I know - and what I know is that God adores everything about me and wants to shower me with good things. I mean, I know that in my relationships, I want to do things for the other person...it's not about what they can do for me. I want to make them feel good, and loved...I want to give them gifts that have meaning. And God feels that way about me!

I am so thankful for this season I'm in...God is building me up from the ground again. He is showing me how much He loves me, how much I'm worth, what I have to be thankful for and what I have to look forward to. I know I'm filled to be emptied again...the seed I've recieved, I will sow.

I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet.

I hate hurting people! I hate it!

I hate that I hurt Chris. I hate that I can't find a balance in our relationship. I hate that I analyze every single freakin' relationship that I have with a member of the opposite sex, whether they're interested or not. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

I hate that everything, eventually, gets complicated.

I happened upon this while I was looking up a scripture for a friend who was having a hard time. I was trying to google "For I am for you, not against you." And I found this, and ended up encouraging myself and bawling my eyes out as I read it out loud. It always helps me to declare these scriptures with my mouth, even when I don't feel them, or even believe them in my heart sometimes. You can see the e-card, etc. on www.fathersloveletter.com.

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Feeling really out-of-it today. I feel like I’m in limbo.

It seems like I’ve been living here, lately. I get in some place where I’m struggling to reach God’s reality and forget my own – or anyone else’s. I’m a lot more confused nowadays.

One reality I’m struggling with – healing.

I think it’s pretty clear by now that God is dealing with our faith (by “our”, I mean mine, my church’s, my family’s, and my friend’s). There have been so many miracles needed lately, and so many times we’ve been let down. A friend of mine the other day told me (after a long and hard battle) that she was very disappointed in the Jesus she served, and I couldn’t blame her. If I was being completely honest with myself and forgot about what that would make me sound like, I would have to agree with her.

It’s not that God hasn’t been doing miracles…it just seems like the ones we intercede for and fast and pray continuously about don’t always get answered the way we thought God promised He would answer them. Leslie’s baby was healed…Christian was born healthy…Whitney’s baby is healthy. But Landon didn’t make it, and Scott didn’t make it, and I wonder sometimes at why God made us promises and they don’t happen. Why some prayers go unanswered and others don’t. I know that God isn’t cruel…He is good. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him. I just wonder where He is in all of this.

But faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. And I can’t see Him in all of this, but I do hope for Him…and I want to keep believing, even though logic tells me not to. If He didn’t answer those prayers, what makes me think He’s going to answer mine now?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot put my faith and hope in whether or not I see the miracles I’ve prayed for. I have to put my faith and hope in God’s name, whether or not my prayers get answered. Whether or not I believe or have faith in Him doesn’t make Him any less sovereign or holy or righteous or worthy. God is still God, whether we get what we pray for or not. So my hope is in His name. That is all I have to believe in, even if it doesn’t make sense.

I don’t want my faith to be shaken anymore. I don’t want to fear the storms, the heartache, the disappointment. I just want to know He’s there through it all, and He is still faithful, and He still loves me. He is Jehovah, “The existing One”.

But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. - Psalm 73:28

God, I want to put my trust in You, and I want to declare Your good works. You have done so many great things...but there are some prayers that I can't declare Your good works on, because I don't know where they are. Help me to see. Help me to understand. And when I don't understand...help me believe. I love You.

I had such a good day yesterday. It started off a little hectic, and I was in a bad mood, but things turned around eventually. When I worship God – I mean really worship Him – things just seem to fade into the background. I had so many things running through my mind yesterday morning, and I can’t stand it when I detach myself from what I’m doing when I sing and the words mean nothing. Pastor prayed for a fresh anointing over me a couple of weeks ago – not just to sing, but an anointing to worship. An anointing that causes God’s presence to come. I think I would take that over a better voice any day of the week, honestly.

Anyway, while I was worshiping yesterday – I wasn’t focusing on anything or anyone but God – God just spoke to me about something that I’ve been needing an answer for for about eight months. And if I’m being completely honest, I’ve needed an answer for more like 11 years. It’s funny how God doesn’t give you an answer when you think you really, really need it. I wasn’t even asking for an answer. I was just lovin’ on Him the only way I know how. If I had had my answer a year ago I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I can only assume that He waited until now for a reason, though. I’m just glad I have an answer. Now I can really let go, because more than what I want, I want what God wants – and who God wants – for me. Maybe I can love again now without being afraid.

Not only that, but during Intercessory Prayer Sunday school, everything Sean was talking about was right where I’ve been the past few months. One of my main problems is that I overanalyze everything. I overanalyze, and I compare. I compare my life to others, and I never feel good enough. I never feel quite up-to-par. Or, I get angry because I see those around me who have made mistakes, who live for themselves, etc. and they prosper and seem so happy while I feel like I’m stuck. But what Sean was speaking about was that we didn’t have to do that. God gives us anointing and gifting particularly to be put into our own specific, genuine spirits. We each have our own unique seasons. I work in an office eight hours of a day, so I can’t go out witnessing all over town. I see the same people. I can witness to them, but they’re the only ones I see. That doesn’t make me any less of a Christian, it just means that I’m in a different season than someone else. Now, that isn’t an excuse for not witnessing ever.

And Pastor preached about the same thing during the service! And then, I read this Psalm this morning:

Psalm 73

[[A Psalm of Asaph.]]

Truly God [is] good to Israel, [even] to such as are of a clean heart. But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped. For I was envious at the foolish, [when] I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For [there are] no bands in their death: but their strength [is] firm. They [are] not in trouble [as other] men; neither are they plagued like [other] men. Therefore pride compasseth them about as a chain; violence covereth them [as] a garment. Their eyes stand out with fatness: they have more than heart could wish. They are corrupt, and speak wickedly [concerning] oppression: they speak loftily. They set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue walketh through the earth. Therefore his people return hither: and waters of a full [cup] are wrung out to them. And they say, How doth God know? and is there knowledge in the most High? Behold, these [are] the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase [in] riches. Verily I have cleansed my heart [in] vain, and washed my hands in innocency. For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning. If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend [against] the generation of thy children. When I thought to know this, it [was] too painful for me; Until I went into the sanctuary of God; [then] understood I their end. Surely thou didst set them in slippery places: thou castedst them down into destruction. How are they [brought] into desolation, as in a moment! they are utterly consumed with terrors. As a dream when [one] awaketh; [so], O Lord, when thou awakest, thou shalt despise their image. Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. So foolish [was] I, and ignorant: I was [as] a beast before thee. Nevertheless I [am] continually with thee: thou hast holden [me] by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me [to] glory. Whom have I in heaven [but thee]? and [there is] none upon earth [that] I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But [it is] good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

So, God has definitely been dealing with my heart lately. He’s been mending and cutting and doing some serious surgery, but I am so thankful that He doesn’t think I’m too far gone to do anything. I know that something bright and beautiful is just over the horizon if I can just wait and let Him work on me.

I love love LOVE this song! Jon McLaughlin is awesome, and Beyonce is awesome, so them together...is pretty freakin' awesome.

On my lunch break.

I just had some really good sweet and sour chicken from Healthy Choice. I have lost a total of 15 pounds since January! Go me!

I'm in the Director's Office training again. Wondering if I'm really going to be able to handle all of this formality and what-not. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I bought Casting Crown's latest cd Until the Whole World Hears yesterday off Walmart.com. I am an avid promoter of walmart.com mp3 downloads, now. They're pretty awesome. Anyway, I've never been a big fan of Casting Crowns. I've never been a big fan of contemporary Christian music, honestly. I love Praise & Worship - I'm all for Hillsong and JesusCulture and Brian and Jenn Johnson. But so much Contemporary Christian music blends together and sounds the same to me. BUT, Casting Crowns' songs always tug at my heartstrings when I happen upon one on 90.7 Way Radio. I can tell just by the conviction I get my listening to their music that it is prayed over. It's not just a job for them. They're not just expressing their artistic talents.

There is one song that is right where I am spiritually right now...or, at least, where I'm attempting to be. I'm calling myself free, even though I don't feel free. And I'm saying that I'm laying all of my shame, nervousness, stress, pain...all of this bad stuff down at the cross, even though I don't feel like I really can. With God I can do anything.

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down


Whenever I hear a song like this that I can relate to so well, I so very much want to sing it in church. I guess because I know that if I had the opportunity to sing this I would mean it on a different level then if I sang something about dancing, etc.

I messed up bad yesterday. I let my stupid mouth get away with me and blurted out something about someone that was true, but I shouldn't have said anything. I immediately was convicted, which I was thankful for. I am glad I can still be convicted. The problem is, satan has this habit of trying to make me beat myself up about my mistakes...to the point that I wonder what the point of trying is anymore. Which isn't the way it's supposed to be. So, I told myself that I would start over. I would try again, and maybe do better tomorrow.

I woke up this morning with an ache in my chest. It's something that I've gotten used to for the past eight months...and that in itself should tell me something. That I could get used to something like that isn't normal, or healthy. I had someone tell me that I needed to let go a couple of days ago. I met him...maybe two weeks ago?

Someone I just met told me I needed to let go, and I immediately shut down on him. I got angry. Maybe I got angry because I've been telling myself that for a long, long time, but nothing seems to have changed. I realized this morning that I missed who I used to be. Even if I was shy and hardly spoke at all when I was younger, at least I didn't say bad things. I didn't criticize other people to make myself feel better about myself. I didn't get up and leave in the middle of a service because having to stare at my sweetest downfall for two hours nearly drove me over the edge.

I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with God again this morning. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to wake up lately. It wasn't a problem during the fast - and maybe that's exactly why. Fasting always gives me some kind of renewed vigor, God's joy being my strength and all of that good jazz. Anyway, the little time I did spend with Him was a reminder of why I can believe in God when I can't see Him. No other person or thing in this world can make me feel as joyful inside as being alone with Him can. The peace that passes all understanding, the unspeakable joy I have with Jesus in the same room as me is all of the evidence I need.

I told God I didn't need answers if I could just be with Him. If I could just see Him, knowing that He told me He would never leave me or forsake me in the midst of my own storms, attacks by the enemy and my own personal, selfish mistakes - if He's just with me through it all, I know I can hang on. I know things will change eventually. Time brings change, and change takes time. But He is faithful. I've never met someone so faithful through everything. Even though Scott died - God is faithful. He won't forsake the promises He's given me. He won't let me drown while I walk across this water and start falling.

Stacie was praying for me during intercessory prayer on Sunday, and she told me to just start speaking the truth.

So, here's my truth:

Lynsey is a woman of God.

I am free.

I am loved.

I am whole.

I will walk in the destiny and calling that God has over my life. I will do His will for me.

I will wait for the person God has for me. And he is coming - we will find each other, in God's timing, in God's grace, in God's way. We will be sexually pure while we are courting, and when we start courting, it won't be out of need or loneliness or to get over someone else. When we find each other, we won't be damaged. We will simply love. We'll just fit. We will come together because God put us together.

I am not afraid.

My lost friends and family will be saved.

Xin and his family will come to know Jesus.

Me and my family's finances will be blessed in abundance.

Laura, Anslie, April, Amy & Richard, Brian and Amanda, and Scott and Laura's family are healed. What has happened will only make their faith stronger.

Abundant Life Fellowship will be the lighthouse, the church, the bride of Christ that it has been called to be.

Melody and Christian will grow up in love with God.

I will make a difference.

I will learn to be self-disciplining and self-sacrificing. I will learn the guitar and the piano. I will write music from my heart that glorifies God. I will be healthy. I will be wise. I will be a hard worker. I will be faithful over things great and small.

I am called by name. I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath.

Psalm 69

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto [my] soul. I sink in deep mire, where [there is] no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, [being] mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored [that] which I took not away. O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee. Let not them that wait on thee, O Lord GOD of hosts, be ashamed for my sake: let not those that seek thee be confounded for my sake, O God of Israel. Because for thy sake I have borne reproach; shame hath covered my face. I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children. For the zeal of thine house hath eaten me up; and the reproaches of them that reproached thee are fallen upon me. When I wept, [and chastened] my soul with fasting, that was to my reproach. I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them. They that sit in the gate speak against me; and I [was] the song of the drunkards. But as for me, my prayer [is] unto thee, O LORD, [in] an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation. Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me. Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness [is] good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies. And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily. Draw nigh unto my soul, [and] redeem it: deliver me because of mine enemies. Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries [are] all before thee. Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked [for some] to take pity, but [there was] none; and for comforters, but I found none. They gave me also gall for my meat; and in my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink. Let their table become a snare before them: and [that which should have been] for [their] welfare, [let it become] a trap. Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake. Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them. Let their habitation be desolate; [and] let none dwell in their tents. For they persecute [him] whom thou hast smitten; and they talk to the grief of those whom thou hast wounded. Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness. Let them be blotted out of the book of the living, and not be written with the righteous. But I [am] poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high. I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving. [This] also shall please the LORD better than an ox [or] bullock that hath horns and hoofs. The humble shall see [this, and] be glad: and your heart shall live that seek God. For the LORD heareth the poor, and despiseth not his prisoners. Let the heaven and earth praise him, the seas, and every thing that moveth therein. For God will save Zion, and will build the cities of Judah: that they may dwell there, and have it in possession. The seed also of his servants shall inherit it: and they that love his name shall dwell therein.

I have a little free time on my hands at work, so I decided I would get this blog rolling. I'm sitting in the Director's Office..."filling in" for whenever they officially hire someone for this position. I'm not really looking forward to spending the next four weeks here. I shouldn't complain about it - it's experience. And I'm getting out there. Just hard to see the good in it in a time like right now, though.

So, Nena, what's up, girl?

I ask myself that question a lot. Maybe it's kind of silly, but I'll just look at myself in the mirror and ask myself that question, and feel like I can be completely honest. There's a part of me that is so ruined and devastated, and then there's a part of me that just knows that there is something bigger and greater out there for me. It's funny how often you can see yourself in two different ways.

I tried to make it a point to spend time with God before I went to work this morning. With me taking Christian to daycare before I went to work for the past couple of weeks, that's been one of the things I've missed out on (unfortunately). I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with Him this morning, though. I wonder sometimes how cheated God feels when I don't spend the time with Him that He deserves, and I wonder why it doesn't bother me more.

I am so selfish. When it does start to bother me a lot, when it feels like I can't breathe if I can't get alone with Him - that's when I make it a point to spend my mornings with Him. It shouldn't be that way. He deserves all of me, all of the time.

But, like the sun, He is faithful, and He takes whatever time I give Him and still shows up, even when I don't deserve it. I know that if a guy only spent time with me when it was convenient for him and he felt like it, and not when I wanted to...we would have a problem. But God isn't prideful that way, and He doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't hold Himself back from me, even when I hurt Him.

I cranked up some Hillsong while I was driving to work, because I didn't get enough time alone with Him at home, and Brooke Fraser's version of "Nothing but the Blood" came on, and I started boo-hooing the way I always do when I hear her sing that. "What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus..." always gets me. Because I don't feel whole inside...I feel like there's this big, ugly, jagged mark right down the center of my heart. It's the first and only thing you see when you look at me. "She's jaded."

But I know that no matter what things look like, or feel like, I'm whole...because He makes me whole. He fills in all the empty places with every good and perfect gift that COMES from God. Grace, love, mercy, joy...

"How precious is the flow..." comes on, and all I can think about is Jesus on the cross, blood flowing and dripping off the woodwork and onto the soil, and Him thinking of me as it happens. Him dreaming of me, of my love...like my love is worth all of that suffering. And that blood flowing over my heart, breathing life into my veins, cleaning and washing away all of my self-induced pain. All of my sin that causes me suffering. My own mistakes, my own anger, my own choices...and all of it gone, like it was never there.

"How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow." I try and think of white things, and I suddenly get a visual image of a pearl in an oyster. The meaty part of the oyster is all corroded and twisted, scarred and forming around that beautiful, clean, white pearl...and I think of my heart. How deformed it is, how often it is changed and driven by emotion and not by love. And then something is inserted into it...maybe something hard, something small but aggravating to the flesh of that oyster.



It isn't pretty. The only thing pretty about that picture is the pearl itself. And God speaks to my heart and tells me suddenly that bad things happen to me, and they hurt and they're uncomfortable, but something so beautiful is formed in the midst of all of that destruction. What I go through becomes something beautiful...becomes a ministry, a testimony, or makes me a little bit more like Him...and ME, all of that flesh in ME gets torn up and wastes away in the process, and I have to learn to get used to that. I have to learn to get used to sacrificing pieces of myself so that I can be more like Him.

And I'm alright all of a sudden, and all of the chaos in me is resolved for the moment...just because I was alone with the Lover and Adorer of my heart. And I wonder how I could ever take moments with Him like that for granted, how I could ever think I could find joy and peace and love like that from anyone or anything else. I wonder why I waited so long to be with Him, why I didn't do this everyday.

If I could just learn to shut my stupid mouth and quit speaking so much negativity...complaining of how much it hurts, how betrayed and angry I feel...and if I could just learn to be still and know that He is God. So, that is my goal. To shut my yapper. To trust Him and know that something good - something precious and rare and beautiful - is being formed in me.