Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I had such a good day yesterday. It started off a little hectic, and I was in a bad mood, but things turned around eventually. When I worship God – I mean really worship Him – things just seem to fade into the background. I had so many things running through my mind yesterday morning, and I can’t stand it when I detach myself from what I’m doing when I sing and the words mean nothing. Pastor prayed for a fresh anointing over me a couple of weeks ago – not just to sing, but an anointing to worship. An anointing that causes God’s presence to come. I think I would take that over a better voice any day of the week, honestly.

Anyway, while I was worshiping yesterday – I wasn’t focusing on anything or anyone but God – God just spoke to me about something that I’ve been needing an answer for for about eight months. And if I’m being completely honest, I’ve needed an answer for more like 11 years. It’s funny how God doesn’t give you an answer when you think you really, really need it. I wasn’t even asking for an answer. I was just lovin’ on Him the only way I know how. If I had had my answer a year ago I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I can only assume that He waited until now for a reason, though. I’m just glad I have an answer. Now I can really let go, because more than what I want, I want what God wants – and who God wants – for me. Maybe I can love again now without being afraid.

Not only that, but during Intercessory Prayer Sunday school, everything Sean was talking about was right where I’ve been the past few months. One of my main problems is that I overanalyze everything. I overanalyze, and I compare. I compare my life to others, and I never feel good enough. I never feel quite up-to-par. Or, I get angry because I see those around me who have made mistakes, who live for themselves, etc. and they prosper and seem so happy while I feel like I’m stuck. But what Sean was speaking about was that we didn’t have to do that. God gives us anointing and gifting particularly to be put into our own specific, genuine spirits. We each have our own unique seasons. I work in an office eight hours of a day, so I can’t go out witnessing all over town. I see the same people. I can witness to them, but they’re the only ones I see. That doesn’t make me any less of a Christian, it just means that I’m in a different season than someone else. Now, that isn’t an excuse for not witnessing ever.

And Pastor preached about the same thing during the service! And then, I read this Psalm this morning:

Psalm 73

[[A Psalm of Asaph.]]

Truly God [is] good to Israel, [even] to such as are of a clean heart. But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped. For I was envious at the foolish, [when] I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For [there are] no bands in their death: but their strength [is] firm. They [are] not in trouble [as other] men; neither are they plagued like [other] men. Therefore pride compasseth them about as a chain; violence covereth them [as] a garment. Their eyes stand out with fatness: they have more than heart could wish. They are corrupt, and speak wickedly [concerning] oppression: they speak loftily. They set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue walketh through the earth. Therefore his people return hither: and waters of a full [cup] are wrung out to them. And they say, How doth God know? and is there knowledge in the most High? Behold, these [are] the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase [in] riches. Verily I have cleansed my heart [in] vain, and washed my hands in innocency. For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning. If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend [against] the generation of thy children. When I thought to know this, it [was] too painful for me; Until I went into the sanctuary of God; [then] understood I their end. Surely thou didst set them in slippery places: thou castedst them down into destruction. How are they [brought] into desolation, as in a moment! they are utterly consumed with terrors. As a dream when [one] awaketh; [so], O Lord, when thou awakest, thou shalt despise their image. Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. So foolish [was] I, and ignorant: I was [as] a beast before thee. Nevertheless I [am] continually with thee: thou hast holden [me] by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me [to] glory. Whom have I in heaven [but thee]? and [there is] none upon earth [that] I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But [it is] good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

So, God has definitely been dealing with my heart lately. He’s been mending and cutting and doing some serious surgery, but I am so thankful that He doesn’t think I’m too far gone to do anything. I know that something bright and beautiful is just over the horizon if I can just wait and let Him work on me.