Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I woke up this morning with an ache in my chest. It's something that I've gotten used to for the past eight months...and that in itself should tell me something. That I could get used to something like that isn't normal, or healthy. I had someone tell me that I needed to let go a couple of days ago. I met him...maybe two weeks ago?

Someone I just met told me I needed to let go, and I immediately shut down on him. I got angry. Maybe I got angry because I've been telling myself that for a long, long time, but nothing seems to have changed. I realized this morning that I missed who I used to be. Even if I was shy and hardly spoke at all when I was younger, at least I didn't say bad things. I didn't criticize other people to make myself feel better about myself. I didn't get up and leave in the middle of a service because having to stare at my sweetest downfall for two hours nearly drove me over the edge.

I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with God again this morning. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to wake up lately. It wasn't a problem during the fast - and maybe that's exactly why. Fasting always gives me some kind of renewed vigor, God's joy being my strength and all of that good jazz. Anyway, the little time I did spend with Him was a reminder of why I can believe in God when I can't see Him. No other person or thing in this world can make me feel as joyful inside as being alone with Him can. The peace that passes all understanding, the unspeakable joy I have with Jesus in the same room as me is all of the evidence I need.

I told God I didn't need answers if I could just be with Him. If I could just see Him, knowing that He told me He would never leave me or forsake me in the midst of my own storms, attacks by the enemy and my own personal, selfish mistakes - if He's just with me through it all, I know I can hang on. I know things will change eventually. Time brings change, and change takes time. But He is faithful. I've never met someone so faithful through everything. Even though Scott died - God is faithful. He won't forsake the promises He's given me. He won't let me drown while I walk across this water and start falling.

Stacie was praying for me during intercessory prayer on Sunday, and she told me to just start speaking the truth.

So, here's my truth:

Lynsey is a woman of God.

I am free.

I am loved.

I am whole.

I will walk in the destiny and calling that God has over my life. I will do His will for me.

I will wait for the person God has for me. And he is coming - we will find each other, in God's timing, in God's grace, in God's way. We will be sexually pure while we are courting, and when we start courting, it won't be out of need or loneliness or to get over someone else. When we find each other, we won't be damaged. We will simply love. We'll just fit. We will come together because God put us together.

I am not afraid.

My lost friends and family will be saved.

Xin and his family will come to know Jesus.

Me and my family's finances will be blessed in abundance.

Laura, Anslie, April, Amy & Richard, Brian and Amanda, and Scott and Laura's family are healed. What has happened will only make their faith stronger.

Abundant Life Fellowship will be the lighthouse, the church, the bride of Christ that it has been called to be.

Melody and Christian will grow up in love with God.

I will make a difference.

I will learn to be self-disciplining and self-sacrificing. I will learn the guitar and the piano. I will write music from my heart that glorifies God. I will be healthy. I will be wise. I will be a hard worker. I will be faithful over things great and small.

I am called by name. I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath.

Psalm 69

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto [my] soul. I sink in deep mire, where [there is] no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, [being] mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored [that] which I took not away. O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee. Let not them that wait on thee, O Lord GOD of hosts, be ashamed for my sake: let not those that seek thee be confounded for my sake, O God of Israel. Because for thy sake I have borne reproach; shame hath covered my face. I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children. For the zeal of thine house hath eaten me up; and the reproaches of them that reproached thee are fallen upon me. When I wept, [and chastened] my soul with fasting, that was to my reproach. I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them. They that sit in the gate speak against me; and I [was] the song of the drunkards. But as for me, my prayer [is] unto thee, O LORD, [in] an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation. Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me. Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness [is] good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies. And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily. Draw nigh unto my soul, [and] redeem it: deliver me because of mine enemies. Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries [are] all before thee. Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked [for some] to take pity, but [there was] none; and for comforters, but I found none. They gave me also gall for my meat; and in my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink. Let their table become a snare before them: and [that which should have been] for [their] welfare, [let it become] a trap. Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake. Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them. Let their habitation be desolate; [and] let none dwell in their tents. For they persecute [him] whom thou hast smitten; and they talk to the grief of those whom thou hast wounded. Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness. Let them be blotted out of the book of the living, and not be written with the righteous. But I [am] poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high. I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving. [This] also shall please the LORD better than an ox [or] bullock that hath horns and hoofs. The humble shall see [this, and] be glad: and your heart shall live that seek God. For the LORD heareth the poor, and despiseth not his prisoners. Let the heaven and earth praise him, the seas, and every thing that moveth therein. For God will save Zion, and will build the cities of Judah: that they may dwell there, and have it in possession. The seed also of his servants shall inherit it: and they that love his name shall dwell therein.