Seen Ways, Counted Steps

Feeling really out-of-it today. I feel like I’m in limbo.

It seems like I’ve been living here, lately. I get in some place where I’m struggling to reach God’s reality and forget my own – or anyone else’s. I’m a lot more confused nowadays.

One reality I’m struggling with – healing.

I think it’s pretty clear by now that God is dealing with our faith (by “our”, I mean mine, my church’s, my family’s, and my friend’s). There have been so many miracles needed lately, and so many times we’ve been let down. A friend of mine the other day told me (after a long and hard battle) that she was very disappointed in the Jesus she served, and I couldn’t blame her. If I was being completely honest with myself and forgot about what that would make me sound like, I would have to agree with her.

It’s not that God hasn’t been doing miracles…it just seems like the ones we intercede for and fast and pray continuously about don’t always get answered the way we thought God promised He would answer them. Leslie’s baby was healed…Christian was born healthy…Whitney’s baby is healthy. But Landon didn’t make it, and Scott didn’t make it, and I wonder sometimes at why God made us promises and they don’t happen. Why some prayers go unanswered and others don’t. I know that God isn’t cruel…He is good. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him. I just wonder where He is in all of this.

But faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. And I can’t see Him in all of this, but I do hope for Him…and I want to keep believing, even though logic tells me not to. If He didn’t answer those prayers, what makes me think He’s going to answer mine now?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot put my faith and hope in whether or not I see the miracles I’ve prayed for. I have to put my faith and hope in God’s name, whether or not my prayers get answered. Whether or not I believe or have faith in Him doesn’t make Him any less sovereign or holy or righteous or worthy. God is still God, whether we get what we pray for or not. So my hope is in His name. That is all I have to believe in, even if it doesn’t make sense.

I don’t want my faith to be shaken anymore. I don’t want to fear the storms, the heartache, the disappointment. I just want to know He’s there through it all, and He is still faithful, and He still loves me. He is Jehovah, “The existing One”.

But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. - Psalm 73:28

God, I want to put my trust in You, and I want to declare Your good works. You have done so many great things...but there are some prayers that I can't declare Your good works on, because I don't know where they are. Help me to see. Help me to understand. And when I don't understand...help me believe. I love You.