Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I just got a call from the hospital telling me that I'm scheduled to have an MRI on my shoulder Monday. I'm not really sure how that led to me wanting to write a blog. I've had this pain in my shoulder for going on two years now, and I'm glad I finally will be able to figure out what's wrong with it and hopefully fix it.

I think I just figured it out, reading this. My future is screaming at me as I sit here in the present waiting for things to change, and soon I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it. I hope so.

This summer has been a little bit of a whirlwind. I'm not even sure where it went. Usually, summers are my favorite time of the year. I get a break from life. Maybe I'm just running on fumes. Last summer I went through loss and forgiveness and a struggle to let go of the things I couldn't control. This summer I've just been fighting to keep my head above water. Things aren't unbearable anymore. My life is just moving by so quickly nowadays. Classes are grueling and tedious and nerve-racking. Work is a pain because of how circumstances have drastically changed. Church seems distant, not because I'm not there, but because it doesn't feel restful anymore. It feels like a struggle.

These struggles aren't hard, they're just tiring. I'm not close to many people anymore. Friendships this past year have just seemed to fade in and fade out like the fragrance in a car when the window is let down. I know God is with me, and that is what I have held on to. And He has been reminding me of His promises right when He knows that I need to remember them the most. He has become someone indispensable to me now, someone I know I can't exist without.

I just really, really wish I knew what He was doing. I wish I knew what the future holds. Next year I will have my bachelor's degree and I won't be working as a STEP at FLETC anymore, and I don't know what that will bring for me. I don't know what I'll fill my time up with instead. Will I still be alone? Will I still be in Brunswick? Will I still be at the same church?

Or will I just still be this clueless girl waiting for her life to change? Now there's a scary thought. The other night, I didn't feel like talking to God. I didn't feel like praying to Him or singing or praising Him or talking about my problems, so I didn't. I just laid down in my bed and tried to hide all of that away. And I was lying there, I felt God wrap His arms around me and tell me that that was alright. It was alright that I didn't want to praise Him. He just didn't want me to shut Him out of my world. He didn't want me to push Him away.

It's moments like those where everything comes into focus, and I don't feel so completely forsaken. I love Him. That's the only thing I know, and the only thing I really need to know.