Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I just got a call from the hospital telling me that I'm scheduled to have an MRI on my shoulder Monday. I'm not really sure how that led to me wanting to write a blog. I've had this pain in my shoulder for going on two years now, and I'm glad I finally will be able to figure out what's wrong with it and hopefully fix it.

I think I just figured it out, reading this. My future is screaming at me as I sit here in the present waiting for things to change, and soon I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it. I hope so.

This summer has been a little bit of a whirlwind. I'm not even sure where it went. Usually, summers are my favorite time of the year. I get a break from life. Maybe I'm just running on fumes. Last summer I went through loss and forgiveness and a struggle to let go of the things I couldn't control. This summer I've just been fighting to keep my head above water. Things aren't unbearable anymore. My life is just moving by so quickly nowadays. Classes are grueling and tedious and nerve-racking. Work is a pain because of how circumstances have drastically changed. Church seems distant, not because I'm not there, but because it doesn't feel restful anymore. It feels like a struggle.

These struggles aren't hard, they're just tiring. I'm not close to many people anymore. Friendships this past year have just seemed to fade in and fade out like the fragrance in a car when the window is let down. I know God is with me, and that is what I have held on to. And He has been reminding me of His promises right when He knows that I need to remember them the most. He has become someone indispensable to me now, someone I know I can't exist without.

I just really, really wish I knew what He was doing. I wish I knew what the future holds. Next year I will have my bachelor's degree and I won't be working as a STEP at FLETC anymore, and I don't know what that will bring for me. I don't know what I'll fill my time up with instead. Will I still be alone? Will I still be in Brunswick? Will I still be at the same church?

Or will I just still be this clueless girl waiting for her life to change? Now there's a scary thought. The other night, I didn't feel like talking to God. I didn't feel like praying to Him or singing or praising Him or talking about my problems, so I didn't. I just laid down in my bed and tried to hide all of that away. And I was lying there, I felt God wrap His arms around me and tell me that that was alright. It was alright that I didn't want to praise Him. He just didn't want me to shut Him out of my world. He didn't want me to push Him away.

It's moments like those where everything comes into focus, and I don't feel so completely forsaken. I love Him. That's the only thing I know, and the only thing I really need to know.

Isaiah 50

"Thus saith the LORD, Where [is] the bill of your mother's divorcement, whom I have put away? or which of my creditors [is it] to whom I have sold you? Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.

Wherefore, when I came, [was there] no man? when I called, [was there] none to answer? Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver? behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because [there is] no water, and dieth for thirst.

I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering.

The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to [him that is] weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.

The Lord GOD hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back.

I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.

For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

[He is] near that justifieth me; who will contend with me? let us stand together: who [is] mine adversary? let him come near to me.

Behold, the Lord GOD will help me; who [is] he [that] shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as a garment; the moth shall eat them up.

Who [is] among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh [in] darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.

Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass [yourselves] about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks [that] ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow."

My God is a big, mighty, great God. He is faithful and with me always. And I know He has good in store for me. I will wait for Him alone, like the watchmen wait for dawn.

"...and thou shalt know that I [am] the LORD: for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me." – Isaiah 49:23

"These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth; I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name." - Revelation 3:7-8

It's 11:00PM on a Friday night. My body is tired, but my mind is spinning like crazy. Nothing particularly remarkable has happened lately...I mean nothing physical. God has been doing something in me, though.

I've heard the opinion "Live everyday like it's your last" since I was a little girl. I've always agreed with it, but never lived like it. Up until now I've lived my life half-expecting time to just slow down for me somehow. I can't do it anymore. I can't live my life hoping for something else to happen, for something else grandiose and wonderful to come along and change everything. It doesn't work that way.

I heard something interesting from Joyce Myers the other day. Basically, she said that people will never be content with their lives until they learn to accept the fact that there are some things they will never be able to change. God has to change things for them, and He does it in His timing. We just have to believe that He will do them...when it's right. We can't worry about them, we can't control them and manipulate them. Everybody gets dealt a hand in life. Some people get a raw deal. For some reason, I've been given a lot of grace in my life and never had anything traumatic happen to me. Maybe it's because I'm not as strong as other people...I wouldn't be able to handle it as well. I don't know.

But I can't keep living each day like I've got plenty of time to change. I don't want to keep living the way I have been...it's miserable, always wondering if I'm missing something or not doing enough. I know now that as long as I praise God - make it a point to talk to Him, worship Him, love Him the way I was created to do...everything else will fall into place.

I've felt very convicted about my eating habits. Food has become an addiction to me, and I can say that now with honesty because I know the number of times I've tried to go on a diet and failed. How is giving into temptation by eating unhealthy food constantly, in the process hurting your temple - how is that any different than taking drugs and hurting yourself? It's not.

It's amazing the kind of clarity that gives me now, though. When I look at something I want to eat really bad now, it's like...something in my mind recognizes it as something I'm either going to give the power to control me or not. I want to know that He who is in me is stronger than the hungers of my flesh, no matter what it is I may be hungry for.

School is really hard right now. I'm getting into the meat of Criminal Justice, and there are so many complicating factors to our judicial system and rules of evidence. Everything has stipulations. You have to think about EVERYTHING before you do it when you work in law enforcement or as a lawyer. You have to scrutinize every action and remind yourself of rights and rules and...just so much stuff. And the kinds of things people do to each other is unbelievable. I have to work through this, though.

As far as men go, Nena is officially on hiatus. I'm just tired of trying. I'm tired of getting hurt, I'm tired of hurting others, and I'm tired of trying to work through every emotion and meaning behind it. God is everything I need...I believe that now. Maybe He has plans for me that require me to marry later in life. Whatever it is, I don't care. I just know that I love Him, and I need Him, and that when love does come around for me...it'll be because God wanted it to be there, and not because I tried to make it be there. I'm not interested in dating anymore. I'm interested in letting God blow my mind when the right person comes along, and waiting until that happens.

Among the things I feel like should count in the "Live like you were dying" department (I've had a ridiculous number of confirmations on that, by the way), making it a point to be alone with God everyday and trying to practice the keyboard as often as I can are included. Keyboard is hard right now with taking an upper-level criminal justice course in the summer (half the time, so twice the work every week), but I'm working on it.

That’s life right now in a nutshell. In the midst of it all, I’m connecting with God on some deeper level. Some place where, when I’m alone with His presence, unspeakable joy enters into me and reminds me of the meaning of my life. A joy I’ve never been able to find in anything or anyone else. When I can just sit and sing to my Savior and understand that He’s devastatingly in love with me as He listens…that I can have that type of effect on Him - He who is beauty and strength and purity and love itself - it stops my world for a while, and I can forget. I can forget about all of my obligations and all of the bars I set on myself, and I try and memorize the way I feel in that moment so I won’t ever forget what real love and freedom feel like.

I really hope this spiritual season lasts for a long time. I can’t get enough of Him.

Haven't had the time to update this thing lately. I had my gallbladder taken out last Friday...I'm good. Everything is healing great and I'm up and moving around :).

I was moved to the Logistics department at work, and it's been a little bit of a challenge for me. I work with a bunch of guys for 8 hours everyday. They are jokesters...and it's a fun work environment, and laid back. But sometimes it's hard for me to stay patient with them and let my light shine. They are funny, but most of the time, I get stuck in awkward situations where I'm forced to decide whether or not I'm going to compromise on my beliefs. I don't want to seem haughty and holier-than-thou, but I also can't help the check in my spirit sometimes.

I keep thinking about Hadassah in the Mark of the Lion series...how sweet and generous she was. She was kind and patient and generous, and meek and humble and quiet...but she spoke when she needed to. But it was her actions that spoke to people, mainly. And I look at her life and how she affected people just by having faith and being like Jesus...not laughing at cruel jokes or poking fun, not being mean and selfish, and I look at my own life and wonder what happened to who I used to be. Alright, I know that Hadassah is a fictional character, but there ARE people like that out there. They are few and far between, but I have met a couple.

To know God is to not settle for compromise. To know Him is to become like Him...like Jesus. I miss being able to see the art in me...being able to comprehend that change is happening, that I'm becoming better. I want to be a light that shines brilliantly...I want these guys here to think of me as a good person, a girl of purity, and Christian, one who is faithful to her convictions and who is loving and generous...and I wonder how they think of me now. Not just them, but people in general. We're about to have to go to work, so I guess I'll finish this later.

A few scriptures that stood out to me this morning:


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. - Proverbs 31:10-12


Strength and honour [are] her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue [is] the law of kindness.She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband [also], and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour [is] deceitful, and beauty [is] vain: [but] a woman [that] feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. -Proverbs 31:25-31

For in much wisdom [is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. – Ecc. 1:18

[There is] nothing better for a man, [than] that he should eat and drink, and [that] he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it [was] from the hand of God. – Ecc. 2:24


He hath made every [thing] beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. – Ecc. 3:11

Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm [alone]? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecc. 4:9-12

When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for [he hath] no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. – Ecc. 5:4



It's easy to make a promise to God while you're hurting. But then, when you're healed from something and you feel alright again, the waiting part of that promise you made...not so easy.

I'm not sure how all of those scripture tie in together. I want to be a virtuous woman...someone who's husband trusts. I also want to learn to relax and be happy with the things that I have. The scripture about God setting the world in our hearts, so that we would have no understanding of it...that is some deep stuff. How can we as humans possibly understand our own hearts? yet the world is hidden inside of us.

Also, two is better than one. I've always been one. I've never been married, so I don't know what it's like to give myself away completely to someone. I came close, and it might as well have been a marriage for all of the emotional investment I put into it. But what it comes down to is the strength that comes from having someone by your side. I know I don't need someone, though. God is enough for me. And He's given me an awesome church family that supports me, and some of the best friends I could ever ask for. I'm a blessed girl :).

Anyway...Easter is this weekend. I'm looking forward to my family meeting Mitch. I'm a little nervous for him, though. We are a big family with big personalities. I'm sure they'll love him, though. I mean...who doesn't love a ukelele-player? I hope he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

I've been sick twice in the past two weeks, as well as a few gallbladder attacks. I had an ultrasound done that showed I had gallstones, so I'm scheduled to have it taken out on April 23rd.

Life is a little bumpy right now, but nothing I can't handle with God steadying me. I had a vision a few days ago of a moment in my life when I got slammed. When I felt like I had been hit the hardest, in a way that left me dazed and breathless. the vision wasn't of the bad stuff, though. I just felt like God was behind be with his hands around my waist, holding me in place. Holding me up when I didn't have the strength to stand up on my own anymore.

He is such a good God. He holds me together. :)

Took this on my way home from work a couple of days ago. Thought I'd share what a pretty sky it was. :)

I feel like, in the past two weeks, my entire life has turned around. I mean, nothing new on the outside has happened. I just feel like my entire paradigm has changed. I hardly remember the past year...I just remember that I tried to take things one day at a time. I remember struggling constantly. I think I kind of walked through it like a zombie...the only parts I remember clearly are when I was alone with God, when He spoke to me, or touched me, and soothed away the hurt as He sang over me the words He knew I needed to hear. Other than that, everything is kind of foggy.

So, it's like breathing fresh air for the first time now. I don't know what happened...I think God healed a lot in me recently in places I didn't know how to reach in myself. I've finally gotten to the point now where I believe that God is all that I'll ever need.

I realized recently that I've been struggling with believing that God has good in store for me. I've struggled with believing that He loves me, that He's faithful, that He's...God. All of those good and beautiful things He is.

But I can't live by what I feel. I have to live by what I know - and what I know is that God adores everything about me and wants to shower me with good things. I mean, I know that in my relationships, I want to do things for the other person...it's not about what they can do for me. I want to make them feel good, and loved...I want to give them gifts that have meaning. And God feels that way about me!

I am so thankful for this season I'm in...God is building me up from the ground again. He is showing me how much He loves me, how much I'm worth, what I have to be thankful for and what I have to look forward to. I know I'm filled to be emptied again...the seed I've recieved, I will sow.