Seen Ways, Counted Steps

Took this on my way home from work a couple of days ago. Thought I'd share what a pretty sky it was. :)

I feel like, in the past two weeks, my entire life has turned around. I mean, nothing new on the outside has happened. I just feel like my entire paradigm has changed. I hardly remember the past year...I just remember that I tried to take things one day at a time. I remember struggling constantly. I think I kind of walked through it like a zombie...the only parts I remember clearly are when I was alone with God, when He spoke to me, or touched me, and soothed away the hurt as He sang over me the words He knew I needed to hear. Other than that, everything is kind of foggy.

So, it's like breathing fresh air for the first time now. I don't know what happened...I think God healed a lot in me recently in places I didn't know how to reach in myself. I've finally gotten to the point now where I believe that God is all that I'll ever need.

I realized recently that I've been struggling with believing that God has good in store for me. I've struggled with believing that He loves me, that He's faithful, that He's...God. All of those good and beautiful things He is.

But I can't live by what I feel. I have to live by what I know - and what I know is that God adores everything about me and wants to shower me with good things. I mean, I know that in my relationships, I want to do things for the other person...it's not about what they can do for me. I want to make them feel good, and loved...I want to give them gifts that have meaning. And God feels that way about me!

I am so thankful for this season I'm in...God is building me up from the ground again. He is showing me how much He loves me, how much I'm worth, what I have to be thankful for and what I have to look forward to. I know I'm filled to be emptied again...the seed I've recieved, I will sow.

I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet.

I hate hurting people! I hate it!

I hate that I hurt Chris. I hate that I can't find a balance in our relationship. I hate that I analyze every single freakin' relationship that I have with a member of the opposite sex, whether they're interested or not. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

I hate that everything, eventually, gets complicated.

I happened upon this while I was looking up a scripture for a friend who was having a hard time. I was trying to google "For I am for you, not against you." And I found this, and ended up encouraging myself and bawling my eyes out as I read it out loud. It always helps me to declare these scriptures with my mouth, even when I don't feel them, or even believe them in my heart sometimes. You can see the e-card, etc. on www.fathersloveletter.com.

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Feeling really out-of-it today. I feel like I’m in limbo.

It seems like I’ve been living here, lately. I get in some place where I’m struggling to reach God’s reality and forget my own – or anyone else’s. I’m a lot more confused nowadays.

One reality I’m struggling with – healing.

I think it’s pretty clear by now that God is dealing with our faith (by “our”, I mean mine, my church’s, my family’s, and my friend’s). There have been so many miracles needed lately, and so many times we’ve been let down. A friend of mine the other day told me (after a long and hard battle) that she was very disappointed in the Jesus she served, and I couldn’t blame her. If I was being completely honest with myself and forgot about what that would make me sound like, I would have to agree with her.

It’s not that God hasn’t been doing miracles…it just seems like the ones we intercede for and fast and pray continuously about don’t always get answered the way we thought God promised He would answer them. Leslie’s baby was healed…Christian was born healthy…Whitney’s baby is healthy. But Landon didn’t make it, and Scott didn’t make it, and I wonder sometimes at why God made us promises and they don’t happen. Why some prayers go unanswered and others don’t. I know that God isn’t cruel…He is good. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him. I just wonder where He is in all of this.

But faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. And I can’t see Him in all of this, but I do hope for Him…and I want to keep believing, even though logic tells me not to. If He didn’t answer those prayers, what makes me think He’s going to answer mine now?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot put my faith and hope in whether or not I see the miracles I’ve prayed for. I have to put my faith and hope in God’s name, whether or not my prayers get answered. Whether or not I believe or have faith in Him doesn’t make Him any less sovereign or holy or righteous or worthy. God is still God, whether we get what we pray for or not. So my hope is in His name. That is all I have to believe in, even if it doesn’t make sense.

I don’t want my faith to be shaken anymore. I don’t want to fear the storms, the heartache, the disappointment. I just want to know He’s there through it all, and He is still faithful, and He still loves me. He is Jehovah, “The existing One”.

But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. - Psalm 73:28

God, I want to put my trust in You, and I want to declare Your good works. You have done so many great things...but there are some prayers that I can't declare Your good works on, because I don't know where they are. Help me to see. Help me to understand. And when I don't understand...help me believe. I love You.