Seen Ways, Counted Steps

I just got a call from the hospital telling me that I'm scheduled to have an MRI on my shoulder Monday. I'm not really sure how that led to me wanting to write a blog. I've had this pain in my shoulder for going on two years now, and I'm glad I finally will be able to figure out what's wrong with it and hopefully fix it.

I think I just figured it out, reading this. My future is screaming at me as I sit here in the present waiting for things to change, and soon I'm going to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it. I hope so.

This summer has been a little bit of a whirlwind. I'm not even sure where it went. Usually, summers are my favorite time of the year. I get a break from life. Maybe I'm just running on fumes. Last summer I went through loss and forgiveness and a struggle to let go of the things I couldn't control. This summer I've just been fighting to keep my head above water. Things aren't unbearable anymore. My life is just moving by so quickly nowadays. Classes are grueling and tedious and nerve-racking. Work is a pain because of how circumstances have drastically changed. Church seems distant, not because I'm not there, but because it doesn't feel restful anymore. It feels like a struggle.

These struggles aren't hard, they're just tiring. I'm not close to many people anymore. Friendships this past year have just seemed to fade in and fade out like the fragrance in a car when the window is let down. I know God is with me, and that is what I have held on to. And He has been reminding me of His promises right when He knows that I need to remember them the most. He has become someone indispensable to me now, someone I know I can't exist without.

I just really, really wish I knew what He was doing. I wish I knew what the future holds. Next year I will have my bachelor's degree and I won't be working as a STEP at FLETC anymore, and I don't know what that will bring for me. I don't know what I'll fill my time up with instead. Will I still be alone? Will I still be in Brunswick? Will I still be at the same church?

Or will I just still be this clueless girl waiting for her life to change? Now there's a scary thought. The other night, I didn't feel like talking to God. I didn't feel like praying to Him or singing or praising Him or talking about my problems, so I didn't. I just laid down in my bed and tried to hide all of that away. And I was lying there, I felt God wrap His arms around me and tell me that that was alright. It was alright that I didn't want to praise Him. He just didn't want me to shut Him out of my world. He didn't want me to push Him away.

It's moments like those where everything comes into focus, and I don't feel so completely forsaken. I love Him. That's the only thing I know, and the only thing I really need to know.

Isaiah 50

"Thus saith the LORD, Where [is] the bill of your mother's divorcement, whom I have put away? or which of my creditors [is it] to whom I have sold you? Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.

Wherefore, when I came, [was there] no man? when I called, [was there] none to answer? Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver? behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because [there is] no water, and dieth for thirst.

I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering.

The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to [him that is] weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.

The Lord GOD hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back.

I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.

For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

[He is] near that justifieth me; who will contend with me? let us stand together: who [is] mine adversary? let him come near to me.

Behold, the Lord GOD will help me; who [is] he [that] shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as a garment; the moth shall eat them up.

Who [is] among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh [in] darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.

Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass [yourselves] about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks [that] ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow."

My God is a big, mighty, great God. He is faithful and with me always. And I know He has good in store for me. I will wait for Him alone, like the watchmen wait for dawn.

"...and thou shalt know that I [am] the LORD: for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me." – Isaiah 49:23

"These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth; I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name." - Revelation 3:7-8